It rained down, literally and metaphorically, on me. And I desperately tried to run away from those thick Nimbus clouds that hung around my day, writing on this very blog about optimism. Told ya, can’t be sure these days even about your own words.
But as the curtains fell, the day sunk, the night rose, the clock ticked, all the thoughts and tears and all things dark and ugly that I kept bottled up started to shatter me inside out. I wanted it all to fade away, the light, the dark, the people, the things,everything. I murmured the words of consolation to myself, I imagined screaming, yeah that’s something you do, you imagine when the world puts constraints.
Conjured my Patronus, called Padfoot and his voice just pulls me away from the dementors. We talked, not about the day and how screwed up I felt but about those stupid little things of school which I am sure the actual Marauders(The Originals of Wizarding World) talked of too whenever they felt low. Hung up, called Moony ’cause at least one of the Marauders always has to know the real reason behind your tears, behind your fears and sometimes Moony just understands things better than Padfoot.
I think at least tonight I’ll sleep better with no weight pulling me down. I know there’s another battle for tomorrow but there’s enough hope to fight that as long as I have my Moony and Padfoot by my side, until then “Mischief Managed.”
Only the other day my father showed me this post on WhatsApp, where there was this quote which went on like-“There’s something to learn from both optimists and pessimists. Optimists build aeroplanes and pessimists design parachutes.” And even though this quote strikes balance between the two, to me, being an optimist is just..In vogue..Maybe it’s just the Ravenclaw philosophy of faking it till you make it that’s making me say this but..yes, my experience tells me that even when you’re having emotional meltdowns, the way out of that labyrinth of suffering (okay , one of them) is to be optimistic, no matter if it’s just pretending. Pretending just works. It’s hard, but when it works, it works miracles. I just feel it in my bones, my mind becoming sexier, better and I don’t know it just helps to deal with all the chaos.
It’s been a while since I wrote last. There are gaps. To fill those gaps, I only have some mere realizations, hollow voices that come creaking through my skull. As I write, I remember all that I have felt these past few days. Maybe longer, I just can’t tell sometimes.
I’m done making people stay ’cause in the end they all come and go whenever it pleases them. Human, quite human. I wanted to hold them back, all of them, all those I met, to never let them move away from me in time. And I did all I could. But as I lay around thinking, starring blankly, I felt that I just couldn’t fight this tide. I could try to hold on to myself tight, placing my feet firmly on the sand, and I did. Eventually I just noticed that my footprints just faded. No matter how hard I tried. Why is it that whenever I want them to stay, it becomes so easy to build an exit? I am tired of all the people I have cared for. All of them. And it resonates, this question.
There are bigger things coming my way, splendid ones, in 2017, and the only thing I have to say as I embrace the year, the new life is that I no longer wish to hold on to people. There are things more meaningful than loving and trying to hold pieces of everyone so that you don’t break. I am looking for that. I’m looking for that.
“These will all be stories someday and our pictures will become old photographs and we will all become someone’s mom or dad someday but right now, these moments are not stories,this is happening. I am here………I can see it. This one moment when you know you are not a sad story,you are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder and you’re listening to that song on that drive with the people you love most in the world, and in this moment, I swear, we are infinite!”
This year has been strange. Tiring, no doubt but also full of moments when I felt alive.When I felt loved. Mostly by those people who, I know are to stay in my life for just a little while. It’s strange how sometimes you just know who is to stay in your life and in a way sad too.
This year I met the wild ones, the bright ones, the few who if I may say so simply, make you want to go to school. Haha. The ones you look forward to meet as you wake up. We often delve in our hearts and souls and cry out loud and wish that people stay. What if they stayed… And we forget to live in the moment. We forget what we are in the moment, we forget who is with us in the moment, we forget to remember we are young, we forget that all we will ever have is today, we forget to look for that place where tomorrow isn’t. We just don’t see the beauty in those who are to stay for a little while. This is what I learnt. To live with those who are to say goodbye when we’ve reached the end of the road. To laugh and dance and sing and make memories with those who’ll fade away sooner or later. And I’m glad I did. I am glad I met these people. I am glad I found friendship in those I never cared for before.
This is I guess my ode to my “Dirty Talk Bestie”, to my “Partner in Fangirling”, to my “Laugh like a Retarded Seal Competitor ” and all those who were there…..